Friday 28 December 2012

Urbantools: The "Percolators!!!" Edition

"Yeah, this'll show 'em."
Well hello there, hospo brothers and sisters! In between Christmas feasts, cricket, and last-minute plans for New Year’s Eve, some of you may be on a well-earned break. Although, according to the TAC and Victoria Police, the party's over, so get back in your box and start keeping up with the hottest news in the Melbourne hospitality industry. The way to do this is probably through some sort of reputable hospitality-focused website where the voice of the layman is well and truly heard. A site like…

Urbanspoon! That’s right, it’s time for edition #2 of Urbantools, featuring morons "reviewing" such heavy hitters as Taxi Dining Room, Melbourne Supper Club, and more!


So apparently Magic City narrowly missed a lawsuit:

“They tried to put the coeliac in hospital with a beef wellington. Is the chef a complete idiot we asked as the waitress wanted to curl up and die.”
No but perhaps you are the Fool Critic suggested if you order a dish renowned for being coated in pastry for your coeliac guest especially if he or she was dim-witted enough to eat it and end up in hospital in addition why does nobody appreciate punctuation she wondered as she wanted to curl up and die.


Melbourne Supper Club seems to have an ingenious battle plan. Carso ponders:

“do they want customers? attending in saturday night with 14 middle aged men, we were told that groups of 12 were not allowed! Given that there was no one there, we can olny presume that they do not want customers!”
Well Carso, with your fellow Urbantools attacking the female staff members, pardon me, “chick-staff at the top of the stairs with the attitude” with helpful alternative career suggestions, can you really blame them?


Poor old Jan seems to have mixed up “user reviews for Taxi Dining Room” with “short story competition” and “incorrect use of the ellipsis festival”:

“On a cold and windy night.... I grew up in Melbourne, and i do know about "Tone".....Anyway, recently i visited Melbourne from interstate with two grandsons aged 15 and 16 as a reward for cum laude exam results....Monday last we were out and about all day, museums, shopping, lane exploration, movies, and found ourselves caught in an unexpected storm (with winds up to 100 mph) as we were walking down Flinders Street around 9.15.pm..We ran to Fed. Square and couldn't find anything open.....i had been to Taxi for lunch before so we went in…”
One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time…


A few whine-loving Urbantools are complaining that the $0.80-$2.00 pintxos are “average” at Naked for Satan. But Jackie’s rant literally takes the cake:

“A friend of mine arranged for a birthday party for nearly 40 people and a week before it, she went to confirm and they told her she cannot have any birthday cake. She couldn't bring one and they would not cater for one. What sort of a birthday party is that. Aside from that how unprofessional of them not even to advise of such a criteria.” (Except they just did. - Ed.) “Just in case you didn't know people, birthday = birthday cake - HELLO. I am suggesting this venue really needs to take a good look at itself […] in the hospitality industry it is do or die. So I strongly suggest you OPEN YOUR EYES 'Blind for Satin'”
O-kay. Just in case you didn’t know, Jackie, satin = gorgeous silky material, and Satan = Prince of Darkness – HELLO.

StuFox seethes at Proud Mary:

“Typical percolators!!! Can't communicate that the wait will be more like an hour - rather than the 25 mins originally said!!! Furthermore when you go and check how much longer the wait would be, don't look up through your original thick black rimmed "I'm an artist" glasses and say: "I wouldn't wait more than 10 mins for a table at a cafe!!!" I hope your Proud Mary I won't be coming back!!!”
 
Percolators!!!  That word does not mean what you think it means!!!


Milkwood hasn’t impressed dave on his daily jaunts:

“Its a little unconventional to write a review on a place that I have never visited, however I walk past this place almost every day and I hate it. The staff are all hipsters and so are the customers, everyone is talking loud with their panAmerican accents, all with atypical haircuts and specticles that are not prescription. The wait staff look pouty and irritating and everyone and everything is a little to trendy, very faux hipster. Great if you are a hipster.”
Wow, you don’t even have to GO to the places you’re reviewing anymore! It seems like dave’s problem with hipsters and accents is more pathological than justified, as the rest of his reviews contain much the same themes. Milkwood staff: beware a crazy-eyed psycho who stalks your place of work and foams at the mouth whenever something is not pronounced in a broad ‘strayan accent. Repel him with 100% organic garlic, a cross made of skinny jeans, or a prayer uttered to the tune of Indie-Pop.


As always, ellipses in square brackets [...] indicate text removed. Everything else within a direct quote is unedited.

Sunday 16 December 2012

Customer Tropes


The humble customer has many faces. If you're thinking of a career in hospitality, here are just some examples of the kinds of people you may have to look out for.

The Anxious Customer
The Anxious Customer acts so terrified of every unremarkable aspect of a restaurant that one speculates they were bitten by a menu as a baby. Anxious Customers flinch when greeted at the door, and prefer trying to sneak past the staff to find their table themselves. The second their guests have finished reading the menu, Anxious sits bolt upright, waving frantically for a waiter, because if their order isn’t taken right now the jaws of hell will open up underneath the table. When meals take longer than three minutes, Anxious constantly tunes out of the table conversation to crane their necks, always worriedly looking for the waiter.

Anxious Customer Catchphrases
  • “Oh my god, I can’t decide what I want!”
  • “Are our meals coming?"
  • “We can’t split the bill?!”

Heed the advice on those cute tea towels you got from Typo, sweetie: keep calm and carry on.

The Very Busy and Important Customer
Easy to spot in their fitted suits, these customers as so busy and so important that they will often mistake you for their PA. It’s not uncommon for them to spend their entire stay on the phone, pausing only to beckon you over. This type favours heart-healthy meals such as 700g rib-eye steak, bacon and chips, washed down with three bottles of red wine and a long black. Warning: if the establishment does not coordinate with their schedule, the Very Busy and Important Customer gets extremely irate and threatens to “have your job”. My advice is to let them have it.

Very Busy and Important Customer Catchphrases
  • “Buy! No, sell! Damn it Watson, you’re fired!” *covers mouthpiece* “Porterhouse, medium well.”
  • “I need to be out of here in thirty minutes.”
  • “That Spiderman is a menace!”

Don’t worry, this particular species rarely lives past 55.

The Cricket
Have you ever followed the noise of a cricket, trying to find out where it was coming from, only for it to fall dead silent as soon as you got too close? Cricket Customers follow the same principle. Noisy as hell when they want something, Crickets know what they want and how to ask for it. But as soon as you return with the requested item? Eerie silence.

Cricket Customer Catchphrases
Cricket: “Oh! Excuse me! Hey! Can I get some tomato sauce?”
Waiter: “Here you go.”
Cricket: *silence*

Cricket: “Hey! Hey! Hey! I dropped my fork, can I get a fresh one?”
Waiter: “Here you go.”
Cricket: *silence*

Cricket: “Oh, oh! Excuse me! Excuse me! Could I get another coke with no ice and a lemon wheel that has been sliced into four equal quadrants in a short glass with two straws?”
Waiter: “Here you go.”
Cricket: *silence*

You’re welcome.

The Parrot
Parrot Customers seem to believe they’ve been hired as a waiter-customer translator and repeat everything you say to their guests, and vice-versa.

Parrot Customer Catchphrases
Customer: “Can I get a lemon, lime and bitters?”
Parrot: “A lemon lime and bitters for Judy! Squawk!”

Waiter: “Who ordered the vegetable tagine?”
Parrot: “Vegetable tagine? Squawk! Vegetable tagine? Who ordered the vegetable tagine?”

Waiter: “Would anybody care for coffee or tea?”
Parrot: “Coffee? Coffee? Does anyone want coffee? Squawk! Coffee, Judy?”

Nothing a couple of crackers can’t solve.

The Academic
Used to playing the role of teacher, the Academic tends to use annoying concept-checking questions, instead of simply asking for something. They do not respond well to slang or colloquialisms, and have very little social grace with their guests.

Academic Customer Catchphrases
  • “‘Grab’ my order? That is incorrect English!”
  • “Psst. That bottle of wine I ordered is for this side of the table only.”
  • “Now, how long do you think that bottle of champagne has been open, hmm?” (Translation: This sparkling tastes a little flat, could I get a fresh glass?)

Interestingly, the Academic rarely knows the difference between champagne and sparkling.

The Comedian
Possibly the worst of all. I am not referring to professional comedians (who are actually very respectful and polite customers), but patrons who labour under the delusion that they are funny, and thrive on the loyal giggling of their dinner companions. These obnoxious smartarses soon embarrass the shit out of their friends, who know full well that the waitress is spitting in their food come dessert.

Comedian Customer Catchphrases
  • “Waiter! There is an X in my Y!”
  • “Were you killing the cow?”
  • “Taxi!”

Ha. Ha.

The Foodie
Professional, amateur, blogger or otherwise, these people appreciate food – but whether their knowledge is genuine or consists of regurgitated clichés they read in Epicure is debatable. Look out for notepads, cameras, and overuse of flowery prose to describe commonplace taste sensations.

Foodie Catchphrases
  • “The use of garlic cloves is particularly rambunctious.”
  • “The textures were delightful – the silky smoothness of the X provided a lovely juxtaposition to the crunch of the Y.”
  • “Unfortunately, the saltiness lingers a little too long on the back of the palate.”

Oh, shut the fuck up.  



Friday 7 December 2012

That Christmas Party Wanker

Steve, you don't even work here.
Well break out your Santa hats and jingly earrings, ‘tis the season for Christmas functions! And golly, how delightful Christmas functions can be for us hospo brothers and sisters. But with Christmas functions, there is a sad pattern that stubbornly keeps emerging year after year. Amongst the jolly revellers there is always – at least one – Christmas party wanker. There is always one nasal woman who loudly whines about the disappointing set menu. There is always one man who can’t handle his cab sav and starts slurring about Palestinian politics. There is always one socially-challenged muppet who mistakes other customers for waitresses and tries to order drinks off some innocent lady on her way to the bathroom.
There is always one Whine Loving arsehole that spoils it for everybody, and makes the restaurant/bar staff go from happy-to-help-you-celebrate, to happy-to-poison-your-entire-office’s-puddings.
 If you’re a Christmas party novice and would like to know how to avoid making yourself look like a gigantic dipshit and receiving a big clump of spit in your peppermint crisp, here’s the Fool Critic’s guide to not being That Christmas Party Wanker at restaurants and bars.

Set menus are set
If you’re attending a sit-down function, especially for a group well-over 15 people, your organiser or host has probably selected a set menu for your party. Ideally, they would have touched base with their guests and informed the establishment of any dietary requirements. If they have not, that is not your waiter’s fault.
So please, when you are given a set menu or function menu, don’t scan the items, sniff, and demand of the nearest waitress, “Is this the menu?” or something to that effect. The wait-staff are not out to get you – they didn’t choose the menu for you, they want you to like your food, and they have no time to deal with your tantrums. Take it up with your host/organiser – they are usually the person restaurant staff look to as a point of contact anyway. And what happens if you just don’t like some of the items on offer?
That’s too fucking bad. You’re at a Christmas function somebody else has organised. Suck it up. You may be able to arrange an alternative dish at the last minute if you are polite enough about it. But if you lie about allergies or dietary requirements because you don’t like parsley, it will come back to bite you on the arse. I once had a woman who after skimming the set menu insisted that she was vegan, everybody knows she’s vegan, why weren’t there vegan options on the set menu, GOD. After much haranguing with the chefs I managed to get her a replacement entrée and main. But when her baked figs arrived, she stared longingly at her neighbour’s seafood entrée and said to me, “Oh, I can eat prawns…” Guess what she didn’t get?

Handle your damn alcohol
Sure, Christmas parties are precisely the time of year to get absolutely munted on the company dollar. Let your hair down, cut loose, you’ve earned it, blah, blah, blah. Unfortunately, alcohol makes many an idiot forget he’s an idiot.
People who cannot handle their alcohol are not only a pain in the arse, they are pathetic. Do you want that cute waitress shaking her head with pity as you burst into tears and moan about being forever alone? Do you want to finish vomiting in the urinal, only to come face-to-face with the burly bartender who is just itching to throw you out? Do you want that crisp white shirt to be covered in red wine? Do you want to be the laughing stock of the office, or want your company to be the laughing stock of the restaurant industry?
Even if this is a Christmas party, you are still in a work-related environment. Have some self-control with the booze and pace yourself. And if you can’t do that, stop, or ask a more sensible co-worker to reel you in if they feel you’re being a drunken tool. Otherwise the bar staff will do it for you, and that’ll ruin your party, let me tell you.

You are not the only people here
Even if your organiser has booked a private room, there are usually other paying customers in the restaurant/bar. If there is a wait on food or drinks, it may just be because the staff are attending to others. Don’t start squawking for the waiter when they are serving another party. Your wineglass will be refilled in good time.
Also, don’t even think about harassing the other customers. The two women trying to have a quiet drink in the corner are not amused by you stumbling over to them wearing reindeer ears and trying to pull up a chair. Trust me.

Keep your clothes on
For the love of Christ. People are trying to eat.

If it’s not yours, hands off
No climbing fireplaces. No taking restaurant ornaments down and wearing them as a hat. No standing on chairs. No banging on light fittings when you want to make a speech. No smearing cheese on the windows. No stealing dummy wine bottles off the display, thinking it’s the perfect crime (they’re empty, you tool).
All of these things seem like a lot of fun when intoxicated. But unless you own the space your function is being held at, control your stupidity. The more you carry on like a toss pot, the less likely it is a staff member will assist you when you fall off a stair railing onto your face. And if you damage anything, own up and act like an adult. Don’t play dumb as the waitress tries to sweep broken glass from directly underneath your chair. Apologise, cooperate, and offer to pay.

Don’t abuse the staff
Us wine-bringing, apron-wearing devices might seem beneath your notice, but we are perfectly capable of remembering you and reporting your shitty behaviour to your superiors. I’ve had the pleasure of being screamed and sworn at by a drunken office worker, and that pleasure was magnified when I passed this incident on the company’s HR who promptly had the person disciplined. Maybe you’re the owner of a smaller company, and you don’t care how you or others acted at the Christmas dinner. You’re still not untouchable – angry waiters/bartenders will be boycotting your business and spreading the reasons why all over social media. And let me tell you, us hospo kids have pretty extensive networks on Twitter and Facebook, worldwide.
 You’re representing your workplace. Act accordingly, and have some respect and gratitude for the staff hosting your function. Don’t worry, this can be accomplished even when you’re off your tree.

Clean up your shit
This goes for other occasions too – hen’s nights and 21sts have a particular knack for leaving sequins and balloons all over the restaurant, much to the joy of staff and other less-festive customers. Find a way to dispose of your Christmas wrapping paper/boxes/ribbons/decorations properly, even if it is just to bring a garbage bag. If you show consideration and make the life of the staff a bit easier, we will remember you and your company in a positive light, even if Bryan did walk into a wall-to-wall mirror thinking it was part of the restaurant.

Don’t drink and drive
If you even think this is a good idea, if you even begin to start justifying this, I want you to stop and imagine the face of the person you love the most. The person you love most in the whole world. Then imagine that person’s face bloodless and broken, looking up with dead eyes from a black body-bag.
It’s one thing to chuckle and groan over how drunk you were at the Christmas party. It’s quite another to have to explain the mangled corpse of a seventeen-year-old boy under your car to a devastated family during Christmas, let alone the police. I have lost people in this way, and it is not something you fucking giggle about after New Year.
Organise a designated driver. Be the designated driver. Ask the staff to call you a cab. Use public transport. Walk. But don’t you dare get behind a wheel drunk.


These are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to not being That Christmas Party Wanker. Remember folks, having fun this Christmas does not need to be at the expense of others! Celebrate with and congratulate your colleagues – senior and junior – for making it through yet another year. Eat, drink, and be merry! But don’t forget those tireless hospitality workers behind the scenes that slave away to make your lovely Christmas functions happen. After all, isn’t spreading Christmas cheer – and getting revenge on shitty customers – what Christmas is all about?

Stay tuned for some special Christmas-themed customer reviews, coming soon. Happy holidays, hospo kids!

Tuesday 4 December 2012

A foot also goes a long way (up your arse)

“A smile goes a long way,” sighs the Urbantool foodie as they whine about their waiter looking sour.
I see this boring little adage pop up in a lot of restaurant reviews, and I wanted to nip that shit right in the bud.
Just take one and get out of my face.

“A smile goes a long way!”
You poor, naïve little dear. Shut the fuck up and go fuck yourself in the face with a fork.
Let’s see how much you feel like smiling after working eight doubles straight for crappy pay, had a bunch of butt-ugly college boys grab at your arse, had to nod sympathetically as a customer screamed about their well-done steak being “too tough”, had to nod sympathetically as the chef screamed at you for daring to bring a customer complaint to their attention, put on your best fake laugh at every “Were you catching the fish?” joke, had to act delighted by every snotty conceived-out-of-wedlock brat that ran between your legs as you were  carrying four plates, had some mutton-dressed-as-80s-lamb blonde click her fingers at you from across the bar, had to pretend you didn’t hear Hoping-to-Get-Lucky guy make fun of you to his giggly companion, had to stand straight-faced as a grown-arse man acted (and smelt) like a soiled toddler, stayed back past midnight to wait for a table that tipped you $4, and all the while knowing that your constant yes sirs and smiles and running around are never going to be enough for the filthy animals guzzling down your food and drinks while treating you like crap.
Would you feel like fucking smiling?
Sure, this is hospitality. This is also a JOB, and by the end of their shifts, like many human beings, some hospo workers have simply had enough of their job. Sometimes, after hours and hours of smiling, we’ve simply had the smile wiped off our face by more rude bastards than Satan himself could have dreamed up. Don’t waltz into someone else’s workplace when they’re having a bad day and be outraged that they didn’t always smile. Do you?
How would you like it if, at the end of a horrible day at work, some nobody tsked at you and said, “A smile goes a long way! LOL!” You fuckstick. If you’re smiling at every shitty person during your shitty 9-5 job every shitty minute of your shitty day, then I think we’ve found the person responsible for this.

PS: Go halves and I won’t blow the whistle on you.